Dealing with Toxic People

“Show Respect even to people who don’t deserve it; Not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours” – Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Today I wanted to rant about toxic people. Toxic people are everywhere. They are at work, they are in your neighborhood, they are in your circle of friends, at the local coffee shop or even in your classroom.

Bottom line, they are unavoidable. And toxic people are always trying to bring you down to their level. To spread gossip, to speak negatively, to bring you down, to bring other people down. And, it is so hard not to give in and join them. Now, I am not perfect by any means and I have fallen prey to gossip and negative culture more than once. But each time, it pulls at my core beliefs and makes me feel horrible afterwards.

Because it isn’t me. It is not an accurate reflection of who I am. So, I am sorry to all of the people who I may have hurt in the past. I do not like to lie, gossip or speak negatively about anyone. But sometimes you get caught up at work and say something and of course, it gets taken out of context and spreads. So it doesn’t mean that I don’t do it on occasion, it just means I do not like it and do not do it intentionally.

Toxic people are good at this. They are like a black cloud that spreads rain and darkness where ever they go. And they may not even realize that they are toxic. They might just be going about their lives not realizing that their negativity is actually bringing this culture up and spreading it. They are usually the people at your job who hate it and are miserable, or they may be that person in the coffee shop line ahead of you grumbling about how slow the line it.

So, how do you know if you are a toxic person? Or if you are working in an environment with one? Well, first of all, how often to you gossip about other people? Even if that person seems like they deserve it, gossip is not necessary. I don’t care how much you may hate your coworker, it is not worth it to talk down about them. You don’t know what is going on in their personal life, or what makes them do the things they do. All that matters is that they are going about their business doing their job. If you are analyzing and gossiping about someone, flip it around. Would you like to be brought under the very microscope that you are analyzing them with? Chances are probably not. So, why do it?

We do it to fit in. To be liked. To fit in among coworkers and impress them. That’s the reality of it. We live in a culture where we are slowly promoting authenticity yet we treat people one way and then gossip about them. (Read about my thoughts on authenticity here) I have worked in one job in the past (which will remain nameless for obvious reasons) where 2 coworkers will hate each other relentlessly, yet in front of each other they will be best friends. These 2 girls would also go out partying together! Yet, they would tell everyone who would listen that they couldn’t stand that person. Why live your life like that? Where no one actually knows the truth? But even more interesting, what is the truth? I think it’s time we stop this nonsense.

I try my best to always be authentic and be honest. I try not to gossip, but find it extremely difficult in an environment with very low moral where everyone gossips. Where all the team members hate their job and their department heads. Honestly, it isn’t healthy either.

I think it is important as leaders, to treat your team members with respect but also promote a healthy work environment. You can do this by not only promoting an open door policy, but by living it through action. To just say you have an open door policy is one thing, but in order to act on it, you must be able to listen with an open mind. That means not getting defensive while they talk, but to just actively listen to their concerns. Too many times, I have worked places where they have open door policies, but then once you mention your concerns, they are brushed off. Then you leave not feeling heard at all. That defeats the entire purpose of an open door policy.

In the end, toxic people start and end with you. You have to choose to rise above it. You have to choose not to hear it. Or to hear it and not acknowledge it. Rise above it and stay strong.  Because you are better than that. We all are. Let’s focus on the positive and the solutions, not problems. How can we make it better rather than focusing on the mistakes and errors. We are human and of course we are going to make mistakes. Don’t make fun of someone else’s mistakes if you yourself don’t want your to be made fun of. And, if the people at work don’t like you because you don’t join them in bashing the other coworkers, don’t lose any sleep over it.

If you want to make everyone happy, don’t be a leader, sell ice cream” – Steve Jobs