People who know me, know that I am a bit of a Christmas fanatic. I love everything about Christmas, from getting the decorations out, to baking, seeing the Christmas lights, the festivities and spending time with others. I would have a Christmas filled house if I could including bedspreads and curtains. I know it may sound like a bit much, but I would love it.
Anyways, it hasn’t always been this way. Well, let me rephrase that. It isn’t always this way. I have loved Christmas since I was a kid, that part is true. But, what I mean is that not every year am I a Christmas fanatic. Some years, I just can’t seem to get my head wrapped around Christmas and couldn’t care less.
I guess it’s that first sign when you know your mental illness is taking over your life. When you start to lose interest in the things that matter most. Christmas being a big one for me. When I start to lose interest in Christmas, it’s a sure sign, that something is wrong.
Christmas time is difficult for a lot of people, especially if they are not able to spend the time they would like with their family and friends or if they have lost a love one around this time, or even if it brings up sad memories.
This year, will mark the 1 year anniversary since my grandmothers passing. She got sick last year and unfortunately, did not make it until Christmas. So, Christmas without her was difficult to say the least. That being said, I didn’t grow up with my grandmother. She lived out in BC for most of my life and only came around my birthday (May) for a few weeks. She was something special and any one who met her knew that she was a rarity. She had this aura of optimism about her no matter what. No matter what mood she was in, no matter how much money she had or the pain she was in, she was able to look at anything and squeeze the positive out. I live my life with her in my thoughts every day. She reminds me to find the positive no matter what is happening.
Which is why around Christmas time, I squeeze the positive and happiness out. Some may think I am overly positive and cheerful. It’s because I may be trying a little harder than normal that day to pretend. To pretend i’m happy or positive. You may only see the cheerful side, but I don’t let anyone see my darkness. Because as high as the positive gets, the negative is equally as low. (Read about Living with Anxiety here.) So, I force Christmas down my own throat in order to remember what Christmas is really about. It’s about spending time with family and friends, and it’s about giving. Giving back to the community, giving back to family and friends and giving back to yourself. It’s my favourite time of the year because you can appreciate the beauty in every day. It’s another reason why I do a Bucket List. To remind myself of the things that are important.
Sometimes you can get caught up at this time of year and lose the spirit of Christmas because of the stress. Because of the busy stores, or the slow traffic, or that the money is tight. But, for me, I know I will stress about those things so I always plan ahead. I know it will stress me out so I plan in advance everything that I need to do around Christmas time and take my time. That is why you see me decorating my tree in November.
Not because I am so excited with Christmas, but because I have so many other things to do, and I don’t always feel like decorating. So, if a day comes in November and I am in a Christmasy mood, I take it. My high energy days are the days where I will try and maximize my productivity. I try to get as much as I can done, because some weeks they are far and few between. So, I do love Christmas, but loving Christmas isn’t always easy.
This year, I decorated early, only so that I can enjoy it a little while longer. So for those of you who think I love Christmas a little too much, just know that I have my moments too. Sometimes Christmas makes me sick, but then I remember the positives. What Christmas is really about. Ignore the commercial materialistic crap. Think about the giving and the receiving and the happy memories and most importantly, the fact that it’s truly the most wonderful time of the year.
